Feels Good At First
by it's a placeholder
Summary: They both know that this is the closest they'll ever get to having someone.


**So. I read the book and there were Abby/Townsend feels and then this happened. Context can be taken any way you please because it's very likely this only makes sense in my brain. **

..

There's a sickeningly clear moment of clarity where she realizes she's completely alone in this word.

It hits her somewhere between watching her sister and her daughter holding onto each other tightly, hands balled into each other's shirts with faces pressed against shoulders to hide the tears, and seeing her oldest friend hold onto the boy he loves like a son as if he'd disappear any moment.

It's never really bothered her – being alone. She has her family and friends and they love her and she loves them but she comes and goes. She can do that because she's not a permanent fixture in their lives, she can float in and out as she pleases and it's never bothered her before.

But now, now she just feels empty because at the end of the day, all of them have someone there for them; a reason to come home, a reason to stay alive, a reason to _keep_ living. She doesn't have any of those things really and she's always been okay with that. But now, everything's out of balance. Her purpose – what purpose? She doesn't have one anymore. It's like her entire life is a blur and she can't see anything straight. Suddenly, she doesn't know how to live her own life anymore, and that scares her more than anything.

"You shouldn't be alone right now," a voice says quietly from behind her. She doesn't need to turn to see who it is; she can pick apart that voice from any person in a crowd.

"You shouldn't be _here_ right now," she replies and she doesn't mean here as in with her, but here as in this town, this state, this country or in other words, he should be halfway across the Atlantic by now. And she can tell he knows what she means from the slight chuckle that he lets loose.

"Yet here I am," he says simply coming to stand right beside her.

"Yet here you are," she repeats softly staring off in the distance. The lake's frozen – winter's almost here and it's taken all presence of life with it, leaving behind a cold, barren wasteland.

She always was a summer girl.

"Can I sit?" he asks, pulling his gaze from the sight in front of him to her.

She snorts loudly, a dry little smile falling across her lips. The sight makes the corners of his lips pull up very, very slightly.

"Are you actually asking my permission to do something for once?" She sounds amused, as if the mere thought of him asking for her permission is the most thoroughly entertaining spectacle in the world. It kind of is, he thinks to himself and he lowers himself onto the grass.

"Stranger things have happened," he replies easily. She makes a non-committal sound in response.

They stay in silence for a while – words have never meant much to either of them, action does the job better. But right now, she's tired and she just wants to do nothing for a little while. Gather her bearings before she figures out what the hell she's going to do after this.

"You alright?"

The question is sudden, comes from absolutely nowhere and she's surprised to find she's actually floored because she doesn't know to respond to it. She doesn't know how to answer because she doesn't know the answer and _wow_ – she really needs to get it together.

"I'll take that as a 'no'," he responds lightly. He doesn't get to see her shocked often enough; savour every chance you get and all that.

She makes a little strangled noise that sounds as if it's gotten stuck in her throat and he can't help the amused sound that comes out of his mouth. It makes her glare at him and punch him in the arm, harder than necessary – it's always harder than necessary. He rubs it absently, knowing it'll bruise tomorrow. Strangely that doesn't bother him.

"You know, I hear Argentina is nice this time of year," he says off-handedly. It takes a second for her to realize what he's implying and then she levels him with a dry look, eyebrow rising on its own accord. He shrugs as if saying 'hey it's your choice' and she rolls her eyes automatically. It's practically a learned response.

"I'll kill you I have to save you again," she deadpans but a little of her smile slips through.

"Honestly, it was one time. It barely even counted as saving my life," he says and this is one argument that's gone on for too long but it's more than likely they'll continue disagreeing about it for the rest of their lives.

"You were going to die and now you are alive, hence I saved your life."

"Will you stop talking if I get us first class?" he asks instead because they have a lot of time for arguing later. Right now however, he just wants to enjoy the few peaceful moments they have left before everything comes to a head.

"Honestly, I wasn't going to accept anything less," she replies with a little smile that he knows is meant only for him.

He reaches over and grasps her hand gently and she responds by squeezing his tightly because he's most probably the only other person she knows who understands how she feels. And _this –_ well, they both know this is the closest they'll ever get to having someone.


End file.
